Attachment Parenting and Co-Sleeping
"Who's Afraid of the Dark? Reflections on Attachment Parenting and Co-Sleeping"by Miriam Metzinger
I came to attachment parenting accidentally and on purpose.I say "accidentally" because it was only after my first child was six months old that I learned, for the first time from a friend, about Dr. Sears' theory of parenting based on the basic "Bs": bonding, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, bed-sharing and boundary-building. Up to that point, I had been raising my child according to those principles without even realizing that such a theory existed. Most of my reading had been about pregnancy and child birth, since the prospect of going into labor for the first time made me feel a bit nervous, and I wanted to be aware of the process from beginning to end. The only conscious decision I made about child-raising before the baby was born was that I was going to attempt to breast feed, if I could manage the breastfeeding techniques and encourage him to latch on correctly. The other "attachment" practices evolved from breastfeeding, and I found myself adopting behaviors automatically that might never had occurred to me before giving birth, or I might even have disapproved of before I understood how well they worked in practice. Co-sleeping began the first night we came home from the hospital. I had tried several times to put the baby to sleep in the bassinet, but he simply wasn't sleeping. For some reason which I cannot fathom even today, my milk was delayed in "arriving", and my son was hungrily draining drop by drop of colostrum, satisfied only for a few minutes or half an hour before wanting to feed again.The labor had been quite long, several days, and the only way to catch up on some much-needed sleep was to plop down on a mattress next to him and nap between these frequent feedings. I had never planned to put a baby in my bed to sleep, since I had internalized disapproving remarks about the practice from relatives and friends, many of whom were also wary about breastfeeding. However, I soon felt the power of the bond between my son and I as he ate and we slept. I wonder if one of the reasons he, thank Heaven, did not get very sick the first winter was that, in addition to the antibodies he wasreceiving from my breastmilk, the constant physical contact during the cold winter nights might have given his immune system a boost (studies have shown that affectionate physical contact can improve one's ability to fight off illness). I also was able to avoid the sleepless nights about which I had heard many anecdotes from weary friends who would wake up several times a night to feed their baby in a chair before putting him or her back into the bassinet. Through breastfeeding and co-sleeping, my baby could eat without my having to get out of bed!Co-sleeping, along with some of the other attachment parenting "b"s, is often unfairly criticized by self-styled "traditionalists" as yet another sure-fire method of spoiling a child and preventing him or her from developing a sense of independence. The safety of co-sleeping has also been questioned. However, parents who sleep with their babies are as in tune with the child's biological processes as with their emotional needs; a mother who sleeps with the baby she nurses is able to monitor, during waking moments, the child's physical needs, perhaps preventing SIDS or other dangers. There is no evidence to suggest that letting a baby "cry it out" in a solitary crib creates confident, emotionally secure adults. On the contrary, independent sleeping instills confidence in a child if it is treated as a goal to be reached through various stages with rewards and parental encouragement rather than an overwhelming, traumatic situation which a child is not emotionally equipped to deal with (as evidenced by the intense, and sometimes endless, crying). If independent sleeping is treated like any other skill a child masters gradually and with confidence, such as reading and writing, if it is introduced with positive reinforcement, such as praise or a favorite snack, pleasant, reassuring bedtime rituals, such as fun toys in the bath and story time, understanding and encouragement when there are lapses, a child can then feel confident because he or she is accomplishing something rather than passively swallowing bitter medicine.
One way of encouraging independent sleeping, when a child is ready, is to emphasize that her bed is her "special place". Let her pick out her own sheets, her own pajamas, and especially her own stuffed animal to sleep with. Let him or her have as much input as possible in creating the bedtime routine. This will give the child a feeling of accomplishment and pride, rather than the feeling that the child is simply being kicked out of Mommy and Daddy's bed. If, at bedtime, a child feels confident either that Mommy and/or Daddy is there, or that she has reached the stage of learning to sleep alone, at her own pace, the child's overall sense of well-being will be strengthened, and there will be less reason to be afraid of the dark.
I came to attachment parenting accidentally and on purpose.I say "accidentally" because it was only after my first child was six months old that I learned, for the first time from a friend, about Dr. Sears' theory of parenting based on the basic "Bs": bonding, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, bed-sharing and boundary-building. Up to that point, I had been raising my child according to those principles without even realizing that such a theory existed. Most of my reading had been about pregnancy and child birth, since the prospect of going into labor for the first time made me feel a bit nervous, and I wanted to be aware of the process from beginning to end. The only conscious decision I made about child-raising before the baby was born was that I was going to attempt to breast feed, if I could manage the breastfeeding techniques and encourage him to latch on correctly. The other "attachment" practices evolved from breastfeeding, and I found myself adopting behaviors automatically that might never had occurred to me before giving birth, or I might even have disapproved of before I understood how well they worked in practice. Co-sleeping began the first night we came home from the hospital. I had tried several times to put the baby to sleep in the bassinet, but he simply wasn't sleeping. For some reason which I cannot fathom even today, my milk was delayed in "arriving", and my son was hungrily draining drop by drop of colostrum, satisfied only for a few minutes or half an hour before wanting to feed again.The labor had been quite long, several days, and the only way to catch up on some much-needed sleep was to plop down on a mattress next to him and nap between these frequent feedings. I had never planned to put a baby in my bed to sleep, since I had internalized disapproving remarks about the practice from relatives and friends, many of whom were also wary about breastfeeding. However, I soon felt the power of the bond between my son and I as he ate and we slept. I wonder if one of the reasons he, thank Heaven, did not get very sick the first winter was that, in addition to the antibodies he wasreceiving from my breastmilk, the constant physical contact during the cold winter nights might have given his immune system a boost (studies have shown that affectionate physical contact can improve one's ability to fight off illness). I also was able to avoid the sleepless nights about which I had heard many anecdotes from weary friends who would wake up several times a night to feed their baby in a chair before putting him or her back into the bassinet. Through breastfeeding and co-sleeping, my baby could eat without my having to get out of bed!Co-sleeping, along with some of the other attachment parenting "b"s, is often unfairly criticized by self-styled "traditionalists" as yet another sure-fire method of spoiling a child and preventing him or her from developing a sense of independence. The safety of co-sleeping has also been questioned. However, parents who sleep with their babies are as in tune with the child's biological processes as with their emotional needs; a mother who sleeps with the baby she nurses is able to monitor, during waking moments, the child's physical needs, perhaps preventing SIDS or other dangers. There is no evidence to suggest that letting a baby "cry it out" in a solitary crib creates confident, emotionally secure adults. On the contrary, independent sleeping instills confidence in a child if it is treated as a goal to be reached through various stages with rewards and parental encouragement rather than an overwhelming, traumatic situation which a child is not emotionally equipped to deal with (as evidenced by the intense, and sometimes endless, crying). If independent sleeping is treated like any other skill a child masters gradually and with confidence, such as reading and writing, if it is introduced with positive reinforcement, such as praise or a favorite snack, pleasant, reassuring bedtime rituals, such as fun toys in the bath and story time, understanding and encouragement when there are lapses, a child can then feel confident because he or she is accomplishing something rather than passively swallowing bitter medicine.
One way of encouraging independent sleeping, when a child is ready, is to emphasize that her bed is her "special place". Let her pick out her own sheets, her own pajamas, and especially her own stuffed animal to sleep with. Let him or her have as much input as possible in creating the bedtime routine. This will give the child a feeling of accomplishment and pride, rather than the feeling that the child is simply being kicked out of Mommy and Daddy's bed. If, at bedtime, a child feels confident either that Mommy and/or Daddy is there, or that she has reached the stage of learning to sleep alone, at her own pace, the child's overall sense of well-being will be strengthened, and there will be less reason to be afraid of the dark.
5/04/2005
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