Parenting Through the Waves of Divorce

As little girls we dream of the dashing, valiant
knight slaying the dragon, sweeping us off our feet,
and riding into the sunset. For some marriages,
happily ever after does not last and eventually breaks
apart. Often before the actual separation there is a
whirlwind of fights, harsh words exchanged, slammed
doors, and endless tears shed. When babies and
toddlers are in the house, most parents try to hide
the fighting and flaming emotions from their children.
As honorable as the attempt is, the reality is that
the children may not only feel the pain of the adults
but have heard and seen it as well.
Dr. M. Gary Neuman wrote about helping the children of
divorced families in his book, “Helping Your Kids Cope
With Divorce the Sandcastles Way.” He states, “A baby,
however, simply cannot yet conceive of himself as “I”,
and so, for now, his self-image is a reflection of the
feelings, words, and actions of those around him. A
baby feels loved because we make him feel loved; he
feels secure because we make him feel secure.”
Dr. Neuman explains six practical ways to help ones
child cope with and transition through the divorce of
her parents. First, is for the child to have frequent
and consistent communication with the non-custodial
parent. This can be heart wrenching and confusing for
the adults, but one has to remember that reminding
your child, no matter how young, that both parents are
still an active part of her life is vital. Second,
when with your child try to remain calm and relaxed.
It is hard for babies and toddlers to decipher human
behavior, and your stress, will cause them stress. If
you are breaking down, which you will and/or are, then
you need to ask for help from friends or family to
take a break.
Third, maintain the routines you had before your
spouse left. This will help your child not feel like
the whole world is coming undone and she will maintain
a sense of normalcy in her day. Forth, work with your
ex spouse to duplicate, as reasonably as you can, your
child’s personal space. When traveling to and from
homes, have your child pack her favorite toys and
comfort items. Fifth, be prepared for and flexible
towards changes in your child’s eating, behavioral,
and sleeping patterns. Try not to let these changes
add more stress to your life, simply embrace them and
wait them out. If over time these changes intensify or
do not go back to normal, it is recommended to notify
your family physician, as the changes may not be
related to your family situation.
Finally, be prepared to pour out and shower your
little one with love. During this hectic and
heartbreaking time, there is no amount of love that is
too much to give your child. Remember to have tickle
fights, play peek-a-boo, make silly faces, and snuggle
at bedtime. She needs to know and feel that even
though there has been a huge change, she is still
loved.
Karen Preston

http://notsoordinarymom.blogspot.com/